A Reflection on Marriage

I send out a survey of questions to couples that book me as their wedding celebrant. This is a regular practice and really helps me to create a personalised and unique ceremony. Of course I always include the proviso that all of the questions don’t have to be answered, I know how annoying it is to have to write a response to a question that is irrelevant or that is difficult answer. However, putting thought into constructing a response is really helpful to me as the celebrant and I think it can also help the couple in the process of preparing for marriage.

One of the questions I include is, what will marriage add to your relationship that you don’t already have? For some reason, the question stood out to me this week and made me think about the answer in a personal context, what did marriage bring to my relationship that wasn’t there before? You see, I didn’t come to marriage in a traditional way. The order in my life was way out when you consider what is usual.

My husband and I married after 15 years together having had our children, building a mud brick house together and establishing our careers. There was no order to these life achievements, things unfolded and over those fifteen years we built a life together. Eventually, after a previous conscious decision as young adults that we didn’t need a legal certificate to make our relationship a strong and lasting one, we finally decided that we wanted to marry.

Why? We thought it would be a nice thing to do. We knew our families would like it and we wanted to publicly declare our commitment to each other in front of our families and friends. I think that we finally knew that we wanted to grow old together.

Our wedding was very moving for us, both my husband and I cried, a lot. It was a modest affair, informal, a civil service followed by a backyard party. There were no attendants, I didn’t wear a dress and my husband didn’t wear a suit. Our children were there with us to witness the ceremony and celebration. We didn’t have a honeymoon until 15 years later and on our wedding night our toddler was in our bed.

So what did marriage bring to our relationship that it didn’t already have?

What it meant to us was profound. Our commitment was stated and witnessed, not just implicit, as we promised to be there for each other, forever. We had been totally committed already, to each other and to our children but the act of our wedding consolidated this in a real and powerful way. In that moment we were choosing to celebrate what we had become and what we were looking forward to in our future. We had survived substantial challenges and overcome personal tragedy and we had survived. We were okay and we knew we always would be. Of course, the main thing was the celebration of our love and our confidence that this love would stand up to anything that life dealt us, as long as we stayed true to the promises we made on that day.

Janne Sverdloff Celebrant

Spring

Spring is upon us and with it come the blossoms that herald new life, warmer weather and longer days. It’s no surprise that flowers are a constant in the celebrations that we share throughout our lives. The bouquets that are held at weddings, the arrangements that adorn altars, the posies that are presented to performers and the roses that symbolise love on Valentine’s Day.

Flowers delight the eye.

Their entire existence

Enriching countless minds.

One can never be thankful enough.

-       Prayer from the Japanese Buddhist tradition

Whoever it was that advised us to take the time to smell the roses had it right. How often are we rushed off our feet, running from errand to errand, task to task?

In a life celebration we literally slow down and inhabit the space created, in these moments we take the time to reflect and almost always the space contains the beauty and scent of flowers.

One can never be thankful enough…

Janne Sverdloff Celebrant

Cousins

After my Dad passed away a couple of years ago I was exhausted and completely drained. The whole thing made me really miss my cousin Annie, who is more like a sister to me. We were very close growing up but as adults we’ve mostly lived long distances from each other and so we don’t get to see each other very often. It was sad not having Annie at Dad’s funeral and I felt a really strong need to see her. After a lot of soul searching I made the decision to throw caution to the wind and head to the north of Italy to spend a couple of weeks with her. Honestly, this was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, it was so rejuvenating and in her presence I was really able to grieve and reminisce with lots of tears and also laughter. I feel very blessed to have Annie in my life, a pity we don’t get to see each other more often.

A Reflection on Grief...

In our lives nobody can avoid being touched by grief, by the loss of a loved one. The Buddhist lesson is that there is no house that has not been touched. Grief is an experience that is unique for everyone, depending on the person who has passed away, the relationship to that person and their age at the time of passing. It will also be affected by the circumstances of the death. Along with these the personal response to death is dependant on the life experience of the grieving loved one. In our society we are not necessarily prepared for the experience of death or what it is like to lose someone. Religions have their beliefs of the significance of death and explanations for what happens after death but not everyone ascribes to these. You can pick up countless books on grieving or head to websites that will explain the ‘normal’ response and these can be very helpful. However, ultimately we are on our own in terms of our response and how we deal with it. This makes crucial the collective response to death and the way in which we celebrate the life of the loved one in the funeral service. It is a very important ritual that deserves time and care in its preparation so that you can be left feeling that the funeral was exactly what the loved one deserved and would have themselves felt proud to attend. It is an event that offers the opportunity for friends and family to share their grief and offer support to one another. Of course this mustn’t stop there, it is important for the sharing and celebration to continue so that the memory of the person being celebrated can live on in the lives of others. 

Celebrating a Life

I have two daughters that I couldn't be more proud of and love more than I ever could have imagined was possible, but I am the mother of three. Today I celebrate the life of my daughter Jessica who was stillborn 27 years ago and give thanks for the ways in which my three girls have helped to shape the woman that I am today.

Sharing stories...

I have always found it helpful to share my story, no matter how painful it might be at the time. Having friends or professionals to listen to and accept you is such a gift. Being the one to hear these stories from others is also a true gift. I am forever grateful to all of the friends and family who have listened when I needed to share, they are countless...and I am also grateful for those who have shared with me. A wedding story or eulogy is no different, how wonderful to hear the story and then work to shape it and tell it, such a privilege and responsibility. To those who have shared already and those who will share in the future I give my thanks.

Wedding thoughts...

I'll be marrying a couple later this year at a celebration that is to be 50's themed. I'm really looking forward to being a part of this and can't wait to see the bridal party and decorations! Well, it reminded me that I was once a part of a 60's wedding, as the flower girl and the proof is in the photograph. Weddings and marriages have changed a lot since then and I'm hopeful that there will be more changes soon, like marriage equality...

A Butterfly

As I was preparing a ceremony for a funeral service tomorrow I came across these words from the American writer, Richard Bach -

'What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.'

This was a reminder to me of the importance of perspective in life and of finding meaning in the world and the events around us. Of course this can be extremely difficult, even impossible when facing some of the experiences that we are forced to face in our lives. Still, it was lovely to come across these words this morning.

Meeting New People...

During the last little while I have enjoyed chatting to new people about my role as a Civil Celebrant. I have been visiting local businesses and people in related fields to share my business cards, postcards and flyers. Doing this has given me an insight into the world of working freelance as a sole trader. It takes a lot of confidence to approach strangers and then to articulate with clarity your services, goals, values and experience. I must say though that I have been overwhelmingly met with interest and support by all those who have given their time to engage in authentic and warm dialogue. This has been very encouraging and I'm so grateful to everyone I've met.

A Rainy Saturday

While drinking a coffee in the Blue Mountains in a snug cafe, waiting for a prospective couple to meet for coffee, I look out the window at the Carrington Hotel, a much used wedding venue, looking more bleak than usual. I'm quietly hoping that all of those couples across the east coast of Australia marrying this weekend don't have their plans too marred by the inclement weather. A reminder that it is always a good idea to have a Plan B if you are planning an outdoor ceremony.

Today's Wedding

Today I performed the marriage of a beautiful couple on what was yet another incredibly sunny day in Sydney. What a wonderful way to step into the lives of others. This was a very intimate affair but it was no less special than any wedding. The bride looked gorgeous, the groom was moved to tears and the family looked on proudly. Wonderful to be surrounded by love and dreams of the future.

Writing a Ceremony

As I sit and write a wedding ceremony I am reminded of what a privilege it is to share in this very intimate and important part of each couple’s lives. This is especially so as I type the personal vows that they have so lovingly composed. As I type I am reminded of the time and thought that has gone into writing their promises to one another and I can imagine their voices and expressions as they share these feelings with their friends, their families and most importantly each other. I am reminded of what an honour it is to be a part of this very special occasion.

Getting Started

As I wrote in my Funeral's page, it was officiating my Dad's funeral that led me to make the move and complete the Certificate IV course at the Academy of Celebrancy. It was such a wonderful experience to be able to celebrate his life and share this intimate time with my family and friends in a way that we all knew he would appreciate.  I knew that if I could do this for myself and my dad then I could do this for other people.

I was very nervous when I first arrived at the face to face training but I quickly found that I was in my comfort zone, well and truly. I realised that I had the skills to make this new phase of my life work, for me and for my future clients. I felt inspired, reassured and excited about the future.

It was wonderful to have such strong support from my family, friends and colleagues along the way as well as from others in the community that I told about my journey, hairdressers, the local cafe owners, the physiotherapist....I was chatting but I was also making my dream a reality. 

My daughter Emma's wedding, which was perfect, made me even more excited about marrying people. What an honour and privilege to be able to share in one of the most important events in a person's life. It made me impatient to meet my first bride (which was a delight, I was as excited as she was) and to finally embark on this new chapter.

Well I'm #notteaching and I couldn't be happier about my launch as a Celebrant. I can't thank enough all the people who have supported me in this, my family and friends, Jess Bilski for my branding and website and Sally Dewar for my photos.

I'm off!